utro

three point five years ago
my marriage fell apart
and i met you.

three point five years ago
you made me a crossword puzzle
themed on our then short-lived time
together

we locked eyes and i could not--
no matter how i tried
ex-husband-to-be at my side--
look away.

as surely and meticulously as you drew
the squares of the crossword
you drew me in.
as calculated as the clues,
some tricky, some fun, some senseless,
some beautiful-
you became all these things to me.

we were one of those equations
(the ones you love so much)
that could never make sense to me
no matter how long i stared at it,
trying to figure it out.

But like the numbers and the x's and y's
and other unnamed integers
we were there for a reason.

and as math is your religion,
nothing is mine.  and now no one is mine.
three point five years later.  

i failed that course...
again and again.
maybe, perhaps, [possibly?]
you could have been a better
professor.

I miss this place.

I woke today with a determination.  One I hadn't felt in some great time.  A determination to regain my creativity, my inspiration and motivation.  To regain my life, thus leading to (hopefully) a happier future.  I won't go into details, but it's been a difficult 6 months for me, and an uncertain several years.  I don't know what lead me to wake with this energy today.  But I did.  And throughout the day I've thought about how to obtain what I want, what I need to make these changes.  I've reminisced about my past, wrong and right choices, as well as the involuntary circumstances that lead me here.  I played around online, searching for a new domain name, for example.  My website has been gone for years.  During my search, I was lead back to the old faithful deviantart.  It's not like I don't visit it from time to time, but I stay on only to see if I have any new messages, comments, etc.  Rarely, do I find anything at all.  

Today, I lingered.  

I started reading old journal entries.  I came across a post on one of my journals from meic2.  Of all the friends, and more, I used to have on this site; of all the comments i've made and received from fellow deviants, of all the forums I've posted in; of all the contests I've created and the news articles I've written; of all the DD's I've received and given; I chose, today, only to go to meic2's page.  Only to see what he was up to these days.  Why?  He was my mentor.  I don't even know if I ever told him this.  He probably knew, without me saying.  He treated me as an equal but his wisdom and talent far, far exceeded mine.  I found out today, that on December 11th, Mike passed away, suddenly.  I cannot express the sadness this gives me, and the remorse I have for never telling him what he did for me, and for, I'm sure, many others like me.  He will be truly missed.  So long, Mike.  You were one in a digital sea of millions.

Reading the above book upon recommendation from a good friend.  The following excerpt is me, to a T.  It's freaky.  

"I barely had an adolescence before I had my first boyfriend, and I have consistently had a boy or a man (sometimes both) in my life ever since I was 15 years old. That was--oh, let's see--about 19 years ago,  now. That's almost two solid decades I have been entwined in some kind of drama with some kind of guy. Each overlapping the next, with never so much as a week's breather in between. And I can't help but think that's been something of a liability on my path to maturity. Moreover, I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that's not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must have the boundaries in the first place, right? But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time--everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain. I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated yourslef and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all of this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else. I do not relay these facts about myself with pride, but this is how it's always been. "

--Elizabeth Gilbert


The question is, how to escape this cycle.  How to for once, live for me.

so i came across a somewhat recent deviation from mattspire, and noticed it didn't have any comments, and I thought..."the horror!!" Then I started looking at some of my past devs and realized they had no comments either..but they used to.  What happened to the comments?  This makes me sad...   anyone know?